I am ever and again trying to figure out what to do about my meditation. It must become the central purpose of the rest of my life if I continue it in earnest. I will have to help the people close to me understand that I need the time and the space to do the work in freedom. I must not renew my effort in fear for the future, or continue it out of guilt about the past. I must begin it now as a free act and continue it as a free act to do it right.
In my mind, I am clear that this path has been calling for me from the beginning and that I am “instinctively” (karmically) drawn to the Michaelic stream of Steiner and Anthroposophy, not in a curious way, but with a sense of longing and responsibility. The greatest angst in me over the years, has been due to my occasional slipping from the path of spiritual calling that I have heard since I was a teenager. And yet, I see the fruits of my sporadic devotion to meditation and spiritual study in the occasional illumination that graces my life. It is as if they have not given up on me (as I have occasionally done).